Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
