My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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