I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
