We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
