Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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