I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
