So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
