The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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