never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
