On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
