I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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