I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize