Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
