I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That was before I lit my hair on fire
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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