bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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