I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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