Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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