she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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