You're my little dorito
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
