i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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