Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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