I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
