I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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