Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
