i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
