At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
