i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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