Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It was a blind-side dick pic.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
