I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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