I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
