you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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