I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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