mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
