First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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