im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
