All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Randomize
