its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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