i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
