Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
