My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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