He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
