Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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