I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
