I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
im six kinds of drunk right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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