Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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