I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
