The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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