ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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