just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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