3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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