I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
someone threw a dead crab at me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
