No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sober January is a disaster.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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