I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
