Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
