one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
