drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
