We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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