If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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