20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
