This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize