How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
