im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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