New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
