Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
