Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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