Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think i got beer on your cat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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