glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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