my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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