I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize