Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
