He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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