Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I could have mohawked her pubes.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
