oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize