and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
