Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
