true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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