I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
