Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize