I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
