Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
