My cat gives me a boner
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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